Have you ever met an angel?

Lynn, my sister was my angel. She taught me one of the most important lessons in her twenty-three years on Earth, to live life to the fullest, savoring every moment. She acquired kidney disease at the age of ten in 1969 and because little was known about the disease she was put on bed rest and left to die. But, Lynn had much more to teach us all and the Heavenly Father knew her mission was not complete. We found hope for her condition at Boston Children's Hospital where she would be one of the first dialysis patients and kidney transplant recipients. My father was to be the donor in 1972. The kidney worked well for one year and then rejected. Then it was back to three times a week, four hours treatments, 120 miles round trip for the next several years. While I was attending high school, I would drive her to her treatments when I could, to help my mother out. I was a year ahead of her in school. I learned many lessons while being in the hospital at such a young age, one of them being what real strength is. One of Lynn's favorite bookmarks read "I am not afraid, God's love does away with my fears." She was so very close to the Lord and loved Jesus with all her heart. When she was young she sang in the cherub choir at church. Lynn attended high school; after school she had a tutor, Marie. She eventually asked her to baby-sit her two small children one of them she had named after Lynn. They became very close and stayed friends. There would be "Big Lynn and Little Lynn." The girls looked up to her. Even with a tutor it was stated that Lynn wouldn't graduate but she did and went on to a two year college, dialysis in between at a local hospital and she lived at the college dormitory making lots of new friends. She graduated with a degree in Aviation consumer management. She was so very happy through all of her life and never showed anyone her distress. One of her favorite things to do was to sit in her room and read or listen to music, usually the Carpenters, "Close to You" or "We've Only Just Begun," her special songs. She moved to the University of New Hampshire campus in Durham and found an apartment and lived on her own after college and being a seemingly normal existence, working at Montgomery Wards in the mall and was doing very well. She was dependent on the dialysis machine for more that half of her life, but that didn't stop her and she almost left us on several occasions. After waiting eleven years for a kidney she called me one day early in the morning to my apartment and said, "They found me a kidney." I've never heard such joy. This was to be the beginning of the end for her. She received a cadaver donor kidney from a motorcycle accident victim in April 1983 and was doing so very well. She had such a beautiful countenance; her face glowed in the radiance of an angel. A little over a month later, my mom came home and said Lynn was having some seepage from the kidney into the abdomen which would require surgery. This was the turning point in her recovery. My dad's only sister's daughter Desiree was to be getting married and it was suggested that I go and represent the family. On the way to the airport I said "Dad, could we go to the hospital and see Lynn before I catch my plane?" He said, "There is not enough time." I was never to see my sister alive again. During the week I was there, I felt an urgency to call the hospital, call it instinct, but I believe it to be divine. I asked to speak to my sister and then found out she was in at the intensive care unit. They put her on the phone and she sounded so weak, but she spoke to me and I am so grateful, as these were our last words together. I called home and asked my parents to tell me if Lynn was on the critical list. She had acquired a fungal infection and now was on antibiotics to try and make her well again. It was decided that Lynn would want me to be at the wedding and then to come home the next day. I returned Sunday and was driven straight to the hospital to see her lying there on the machines and unconscious. It was not the way I had left her. My other sister Brenda told me that I should hold her hand and she would speak to Lynn and tell her I was there. They say that hearing is the last sense to go when someone is dying, so I talked to her and played her favorite music on our next two visits. I remember carrying my Bible and searching for scriptures for comfort on the way to the hospital, all of us in the car on the way so quiet, not knowing what to say. My parent's anniversary was the day before. We feel now that Lynn waited to pass on. We left the hospital on that Monday night at 8:30pm and after being home only about an hour we were called by the attending nurse who told us Lynn had died peacefully in her sleep. I had gone to a friends to inform them that she was in stable condition. When I drove up to the house, and got out I heard hysterical crying and I knew right then what had happened. I'm sad that she's no longer with us on Earth but know that her spirit lives on. She had such joy before she left us. She got the gift of life, but now eternal life. I'll never forget her and what she taught me. She loved Jesus and the 23rd Psalm," The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." She didn't live in fear, but loved life and lived it to the fullest. Her purpose was fulfilled, to come here and teach many lessons, and touch souls for him our Heavenly Father. Her death changed my life. I will always be thankful for my sweet angel of a sister, Lynn (written 2002).

Postscript (written 2009)

When my sister died tragically at the age of 23, I cried for the first fifteen years. I began writing grieving poetry, like "Why, oh why did you have to die, and oh how it hurts to cry." And my heart hurt so. And even though I was raised in church and the seed of faith had been planted, it needed to grow. I didn't understand. And then one day, I heard on Christian radio, during a John MacCarthur broadcast (Grace to You) that when someone dies their spirit goes immediately into the presence of the Lord. And then I thought, why should I be sad, she's in a better place. And she suffered a lot. And years later, a professor taught us about the center, periphery and liminal space. And how one can be both. And I went home and pondered it deeply. And I applied that knowledge to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. And I drew a circle and put them all in their places, including angels. And I saw right then that God is everywhere and if my sister is with God and he is everywhere, then she is right with me because I love God too. And I do believe in angels and I think she was one. She loved deeply and while here taught others how to love. And love is always sacrifice. She went to be with the Lord and I love her, and I miss her, but I know that she is with me. I am not sad now. I see her face in the flowers, and I hear her voice singing in the cherub choir along with the birds. And when the sun sets, the colors remind me of her smile..
(In memory of my sister Lynn Janice Cloutier, 6/1/59-5/17/83)
This inspirational story is an excerpt from my chapbook titled, "Heartstrings," a collection of poems and stories.
Copyright © 2002 by Library of Congress